Topical Issue: Players Anonymously Comment on Parental Pressure

With the tragic suicide last month of a promising Southern California softball player—following on the heels of two other notable similar deaths in the last few years—coaches and parents across the country are starting to take a hard look at how the pressure on young athletes can become overbearing.

One East Coast coach, Tony Marsalo of the PA Strikers organization, has recognized the stress his athletes are under and recently did something to address the subject: he had every 9-to-18-year-old at an organizational practice write on a small piece of paper “what their parents do that makes them not like softball or makes them feel really bad about themselves,” he explains.

“We had a station where the kids were instructed to write comments on a piece of paper about what their parents do that makes them feel pressure, embarrasses them, makes them hate the game, or feel like they are disappointing their parents,” he continues. “There was a secrecy jar where they were to put the papers—no signature and no name—so we had no clue who is who!”

Once the comments were collected, Marsalo did something bold: he e-mailed them to all the parents in his organization writing: “Below are their comments—some are good and some are very hard to read. Some might not be fully honest or truthful—but they need to be read—we can all be better!”

And then the coach added to the family members:

“A lot of this behavior happens because you are all competitive people and parents and that is why your kids are involved in sports… this is not a bad thing. I asked the kids to do this so hopefully we can all become better people, parents, coaches, and organization.”

“Also in the past two years there has been two young ladies who have taken their own lives who play for high level organizations and it is very concerning to us here are the Strikers. I do not know 100 percent why these young ladies made such a horrible decision, but I just know that I do not want it to happen here.”

“We all as parents love our kids to the moon and and back and we only want to see them excel and be great people, but way too often we lose perspective. None of us—including me—as parents are perfect and we all make mistakes, but how can we be better?”

Marsalo started coaching softball in 2005 at the rec level and upon the encouragement of a high school coach started the PA Strikers in 2011 in Morgantown, Pennsylvania. Up to last year, he was also a high school head coach for three years.

He played baseball growing up and competed in ice hockey at Towson University and Tony and his wife, Jennifer, have two daughters: Grace, who is a 2019 pitcher/utility player committed to Penn State and Sophia, a 2021 first baseman/outfielder. Up to this year, he also coached at the high school level for three years.

The Strikers organization has 120 girls playing on nine teams and the coach told Extra Inning Softball today that he is concerned about not just his athletes, but all those that play the game.

“Kids make a bad throw these days, they hang their heads. Think about it: too often a 12-year-old feels like she is letting down their parents if she makes a mistake on the field. If we can just help out some people get over this mentality, this “It’s the end of the world” thing, then it’d be worth it.”

The coach concludes: “Our family has survived the joy, triumph, failure, mistakes, and heartache of a highly competitive family and being part of a highly competitive sports program. But it is very hard, and a lot of people don’t make it through.”

Here are the comments the players submitted anonymously… it should make all of us associated with fastpitch, especially at the youth levels, pause and reflect on how to be aware of how each young person feels:

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Question: what do your parents do that makes you feel pressure, embarrasses you, makes you hate the game, or feel like you are disappointing your parents?

• When I have a bad game, my parents continually asking me what happened and tell me that I did badly, but they don’t offer any corrections for how to fix my mistakes.
• The LONG talks in the car after a game
• They yell and use bad words
• Don’t talk to me in the car and then bring it up later in the day
• Yells
• I like my parents for pushing me
• Shakes head, try to tell me what to do with mechanics, yells and gives a look when I don’t perform good
• Nothing
• Doesn’t listen when I say I need a break
• Thinks Softball is the only thing in life
• Yells at me during the game and even after we would win eight would point out what I did wrong, he would just keep saying stuff and wouldn’t stop until we got home or if I fell asleep in the car
• Makes me do things when I don’t feel like doing it
• After I had a bad game he took me to get Wawa and we didn’t even talk about it
• Sometimes even after a great game my parents find a way to tell me something I am doing wrong or they pester me about why it didn’t work…like they know everything
• They don’t do anything to make me hate Softball
• My parents yell at me in the car when I do not do the right thing even though I’m trying my best at games and practice
• Sometimes my father will not talk to me after game
• Sometimes at a game my dad will be doing things with his hands and legs
• When my parents yell at me in front of my teammates
• When my parents yell at me from the sidelines things I’m doing wrong on the pitching mound
• Something that I hate is when you have a good game and they pick on one thing they find wrong
• They are always cheering for me on their chairs
• The long car ride home after a game
• Nothing bad
• When we lose and they get mad at you for not trying even though you did
• Gives corrections during a game from behind the backstop or talking about a bad game for days and days
• I had a full And swung at a bad patch and he acted like I murdered someone
• I’m told I don’t try when I mess up
• Something that my parents do that makes me mad is when I make a mistake one of them embarrasses me in front of the whole team
• I like when my mom and siblings cheer me on
• They use bad body language
• My dad when we are practicing he just leaves because he’s frustrated he doesn’t give me a chance sometimes
• My dad constantly point out what’s wrong opposed to what I did good. He can’t stop himself from coaching me and when I can’t execute what he tells me to fix he gets mad at me and says stuff like “you know what you don’t even care”or “fine just quit then”
• My dad isn’t very good at hiding his body language so it’s easy for me to know when he’s upset or mad
• Sometimes while I’m in the outfield my dad would stand behind the fence and try to yell at me for something I did wrong while I’m trying to focus and it gets into my head he’ll also constantly bring up everything I did wrong until the next tournament and it makes me not want to try anymore
• Sometimes when I am not doing good, my dad walks away, crosses his arm, or shakes his head. I can always tell when he is mad and I never want to disappoint him. Whenever I do badly I am always afraid to talk to my dad because he always yells at me
• My dad is working on his body language and positivity and now he tries to be calmer and nicer I am glad that we moved through it together
• My dad always tells me what I’m doing wrong but he pushes me to be better
• Even if the play wasn’t my fault or I wasn’t in the play I get blamed for the mistakes that were made
• My parents push me encourage me to be my best
• My father has told me I shouldn’t play at the 14u A level because I can’t hit. He also tells me that he thinks I’ll never hit another Bob because my mechanics are off
• One time I was not down and ready to catch was throwing back to the picture my parents yelled from the sideline get down and get ready.
• Being only 13 my Parents pressures me into thinking about what colleges I want to go to and what I want to do when I’m older. they tell me what girls got scholarships that are my age and they want me to be seen. Instead of letting me focus on my friends they want me to focus on softball and grades all the time. They won’t even let me miss practice for something that is important to me.
• My parents are always very positive when I have a bad game they know that I know what I did wrong and they just push me to fix it
• My dad gets frustrated when I make a mistake and he sits there and shakes his leg while chewing seeds
• I don’t like how they tell me to hit
• My mom tells the team to cheer on our batter
• My parents don’t do anything, they are always positive and supportive
• Waking up really early to go to practice
• When my parents tell me I’m not as good as someone else and tells me I don’t work hard enough if I take a day off
• They Yell at me when I strike out
• Before and after game is my dad will give a pep talk of how I can do better every single game and every practice
• My parents are very supportive and tell me I did great at the end of every game or tournament. They give me advice but they don’t Yell at me or get mad
• Mom yells at me whenever I do something wrong
• My parents support me all the time even during my worst games.
• My parents are supportive and they are always trying to pick me up and everything I do
• My parents aren’t bad but sometimes on the sidelines they tell me what to do
• My family supports me
• My parents are both supportive and make sure that playing softball is something that I want to do
• My parents get mad at me when I don’t do my pitching motion right. She always says why am I paying for pitching if you don’t want to go through the motions. But before we were at home we did 20 minutes of pitching motions. Then we both are mad and it ruins the day.
• I hate when my parents criticize me even if I had a good game.
• Body language and talking after a bad game
• My dad gets mad at me when I strike out and yells “ happened to your swing”
• When I don’t pitch good or I strike out my parents always try to fix me or try to be my coach and they fell and it makes me feel bad. And I feel like when I don’t do good I fail them.
• Bad food habits
• My dad always yells at me when I do bad, and he never says anything when I do good. He compares me to bad people and say I’ll never make it to play in college.
• My dad always has a judge mental look on his face when I am pitching
• My dad compares me to everyone else. My dad points out all the negatives in my swing, and says my future will be bad for me. He says I won’t go to a big school if I keep swinging like this.
• Sometimes when I am frustrated my parents get frustrated. I wish they would just be patient, it would make me feel better
• My dad gets quiet out of anger when I do bad
• Dad coaches awesome. mom curses and hangs her head and walks away
• When my dad doesn’t think I can handle the pressure of being at a high level and wants me to move down
• I am trying to catch a ball he always says two hands
• My parents don’t do anything, they just tell me to practice and to push myself and for me to be my best that’s all they want from me
• My parents get mad if I don’t listen but then they help me after a big fight
• I don’t like when after my mom and dad that they say stuff to each other and say that I should have done this or that, I can hear them. It makes me feel like I suck
• My mom and dad support me fully
• It is usually not my parents. I am hard on myself doing practices and the games. I think I need to be better than how I am doing
• Sometimes I don’t even want to play softball because my parents like to yell at me after a bad day of playing and play the “Disappointed” card.
• My parents are supportive and help me with everything they make sure I’m prepared when it’s game time!