This is Brentt Eads of Extra Inning Softball.
I’ve worked in softball over a quarter century and have seen the full spectrum of good and bad in the sport… fortunately, the positive outweighs the negative by 100-fold in my opinion, but there are issues that I come across that are troubling and need to be shared on our public platform from time-to-time.
The following first-person story was sent to us recently by a former college player I’ve covered for years going back to her early prep and club days.
She has dealt with her challenges admirably but, sadly, has quit playing the sport she’s loved for her entire lifetime after having nightmarish experiences at two college programs where coaches were verbally and emotionally abusive to her and other players (many of whom transferred out).
This young player wanted to share her story as a cautionary tale for young players who are searching for a new team at whatever level it may be–including youth, school, club or college—and to encourage them to do the homework and research necessary to see how a coach and coaching staff interacts with their players.
We’ve kept the specifics out as the purpose of this article isn’t to point fingers at particular coaches and schools, but rather to make players and parents aware that this could happen anywhere and to stress how crucial it is to perform the necessary due diligence to make sure that a prospective team or program will be a good fit.
Or, to put it plain and simple: do your homework and know what you’re getting into!
Again, as I always tell my own kids, it’s about having options and some are good while others are not so much.
Unfortunately, for this young athlete below, two miserable experiences at the college level drove her out of softball… I can only hope and pray that this story will prevent others from going down the same unfortunate road.
Note: none of the photos in this article involve the anonymous writer or the teams she played for…
*****
Being a collegiate softball player should mean that you are among that 5% of girls in the country that get to continue playing the sport that they love after high school and have the time of your life while doing it.
Girls from all over the country work their entire lives to fulfill this dream, me included. We grow up watching college softball and aspire to be that girl on TV making it big especially now with the added opportunity of things like playing at the pro level and endorsement deals.
Through all of the glitz and glamour, however, there is a harsh reality that is not talked about that affects these hard working and motivated young girls like myself and keeps us from achieving this pinnacle of sports success.
I was among the many athletes around the country that endured this not openly talked about part of college sports. Mental and emotional abuse, more like torture, comes in many forms and I received it from not only coaches but so others in the softball community.
I have a particularly unique story being that, in high school, I was out for almost a year due to health reasons so my love for softball motivated me to not only recover but to play again.
When I committed to play in college, I felt that I had achieved something huge and finally reached my goal of playing college softball that I’ve had since the age of eight. Little did I know what I was about to face.
College A
The first month that I was on campus I was in a “honeymoon phase.” I loved being on my own, loved my roommate and even loved the cafeteria food a lot!
It wasn’t until a few weeks into starting our fall season that it became obvious that the honeymoon was over. I approached my head coach (“Coach A”) and innocently asked how to improve myself as a player and was absolutely in shock when Coach A told me that I’d be better if I just “kept my mouth shut.”
Little did I know this was just the beginning of the abuse I was about to endure. From that point on the head coach would constantly make jabs at not only my abilities as a player but at my character as well.
Coach A would say thing to me things like:
- “I could have used my money on another player.”
- “Even if you transfer schools, you will always sit the bench.”
- “You are a head case and you need to keep your mouth shut.”
The head coach’s negativity seemed to suddenly spread like a virus to the other coaches and I started to get strange looks and they would even point and laugh at me during practices.
Coach A eventually started going to my teammates and spreading untrue stories about me as well. I decided to go to the Athletic Director about transferring schools because of what was going on with the program and felt betrayed and embarrassed when they did not uphold student-athlete confidentiality and this administrator told the head coach.
After this, the abuse only got worse.
I was at the point where I would be nauseous going to practice every single day. I couldn’t focus in class and started to notice a decline in my physical and mental health because of all of the stress.
This was, unfortunately, the case for not just me, but more than a half dozen of my teammates as well who have since transferred out of that program in less than a year. These are hard-working and kind young women that I am very glad to have met and had the privilege of playing with.
We have only known each other for a short time but because of the trauma we endured together we became very close. I eventually did transfer schools and, even on my way out, Coach A took one last opportunity to degrade and embarrass me.
While returning my gear, the head coach made a point for me to come to the field and return it during practice, for all of the team to see, while she yelled at me and told me how disrespectful I was to the program and how they deserved an apology for how I treated them.
College B
I was eager to start at a new school and repair my softball career and seemed to have a coach that was excited and happy to have me on the team.
Within just a few weeks, however, it seemed like my new college head coach became another person and it was like this coach (Coach B) had no idea who I was. I felt like I didn’t know this person, either.
I began to be cussed out if the head coach felt that a play was not up to par. I was also blatantly pushed to the side and sometimes literally ignored during group activities because I was the “new girl” and made to feel like I was not even part of the team by not only the coaches but the players as well.
My roommates would leave me alone in my apartment every night and no one ever asked how I was doing or adjusting to new school or living situation in a new city that I didn’t know.
Whenever I would try and talk to the coaches or ask questions, I was made to feel stupid and unimportant. My very first day of practice I was told, “You have no imagination and no softball IQ.”
Often, I was not allowed to participate in hitting drills because Coach B said: “I need somebody who can actually hit the ball” and I was told not to get back into the batter’s box. I would watch as my teammates completed practice without me.
The coaches and the team would laugh at me about how I never spoke because I was so uncomfortable with the coaches and the team. My coach would laugh at me while asking things like: “Are you scared of me or something?”
I would cry on the bus on the way to games and even had panic attacks silently in my seat. I wasn’t alone though—all of the girls on the team were in fear of the coaches and I felt like I was in the same nightmare situation I was in before.
I began to be nauseous going to practice every day. I felt like nobody would want me anymore and I wasn’t good enough. Three of my teammates had left the program at this point and I decided to do the same shortly after. That first year of college softball was the most mentally challenging and lonely time of my entire young life.
Done With Softball
I told my Mom, sobbing, that I couldn’t take it anymore and it was at that moment that my softball career officially came to an end… me sitting in on my couch.
I feel I am a strong individual. I believe I have been through more in my short lifetime that many people will have to endure in their entire lives. I can handle criticism and stress and am willing to work hard, but when you have people telling you these poisonous and destructive things over and over it starts to affect you.
You begin to lose yourself as well as your love for things that were once so important and were a huge part of who are and who you were. People like to dismiss mental and emotional abuse in sports by saying that they were yelled at by their coaches, called names and told “they were nothing” when they played, but they “turned out fine.”
This, some say, is just part of being an athlete. They wear it like a badge of honor.
This kind of mental and emotional abuse, however, in my opinion should never happen. You are not strong because you tolerate it nor are you weak if you decide that you don’t want to.
Broken Down by the Abuse
I lost myself in that first year of college softball.
I lost my entire identity because of what I went through. I always thought that if anything every kept me off the softball field it would be my health. I never imagined that the thing that would keep me from playing would be the people that are supposed to be my biggest advocates, the people that were supposed to support me and build me up and not break me down.
Looking back, I realize now that they did just the opposite.
When I needed them most and tried to reach out for help, I was told not to talk about everything I was going through. I was told to hide it, to hide the abuse that I endured because if I didn’t that it would be a “red flag” and I wouldn’t be recruited by another school.
It makes me sick to my stomach that I believed them and that this is what we are teaching young athletes; that it is okay for them to be treated this way, in not only in this setting but in their future jobs or relationships.
If anyone is to ever shame you for standing up for yourself, that is not a program, job, or relationship that you should want to be a part of. I share all of this in hopes that it will help other young athletes who have been through the same thing or so that others never have to go through it again.
This treatment is not normal or OK and needs to be addressed by colleges. Athletic Directors and other administrators need to visit a practice or two and see what happens when the coaches don’t realize they are there.
It shouldn’t have been acceptable 20 years ago and it shouldn’t happen now. This goes for all athletes and sports and men and women alike and not just softball players.
Finally, my advice to those who make up a team:
- Coaches: don’t forget, as cliched as it might sound, that your athletes are people, too, and your words and actions affect people’s lives.
- Athletes: never feel like you are not enough… instead, know that you are defined by more than just your sport.
